Honesty. It sucks sometimes.

It's September.

Time to get serious. Technically, I started "training" for a marathon a few weeks ago, but in actuality, this is the month where I am hoping to make some major strides and get my running life back on track.

I am also toying with the idea of joining Weight Watches and using their online app. My weight is out of control. All summer I tried a high protein diet and ended up eating way too much processed soy crap and have stalled out and possibly even gained weight. I'm unhappy with my weight and my body and while I've counted calories with success in the past, I think a points system might offer me some flexibility and at the very least, something new to challenge me. I downloaded an App for my phone called Ultimate Food Value Diary Plus which is similar to Weight Watchers, so I am going to use it for a few days and if I like it, I might take the plunge and commit to Weight Watchers for 3 months.

 

Which means less of this.

Sadly.

 

Honestly, it's hard to get over the shame and embarrassment that I let myself get to this point. The point where all my clothes are too tight. The point where I mostly wear running shorts around the house instead of real shorts because...HELLO I need to be able to breathe.

So, that's where I am.

Now, that I'm admitting to myself and my friends that I need to get a grip on my weight, I can just move forward and start making the changes that I know I can make.

In the past I've shied away from talking about my weight or what I eat on the blog. And, I am going to continue to not talk about it too much. But, I also wanted to address it, because, well... it's a problem.

Anyway... onward and upward and if anyone has great things or terrible things to say about Weight Watchers let me know! NYC recap still in the works, btw.

Let's Do This!

*Not sponsored by The Home Depot.

Today marks 5 weeks till the beginning of December. I have deemed December 1st the beginning of a marathon training cycle (yup, yup, yup), so, I'm going to spend these next 5 weeks getting my shit together.

 

Honestly, as much as I've been complaining and whining on the blog and to friends, it's not like I've just been sitting on my ass constantly. I have been running and mostly averaging around 30-35 miles a week. So... that's not a terrible base. It just doesn't feel like much, because I pretty much use ANY excuse to take a day off from running or to cut a run short or to walk. I'm running, but I've lost the discipline and I am hoping to use these next 5 weeks to get the discipline back.

I am hoping to bribe Coach with booze and sweet talk, if necessary to convince her to coach me again starting in December. But, for this little 5 week "refresher" course, I'm kind of excited about trying to draft my own little program. I figure in 5 weeks, I can't fuck too much up on my own.

You're right. Yes I can.

In true Type A, accountant, spreadsheet loving fashion I have drafted a game plan.

Week 1: Own it. 

Yes, Amy, you are out of shape. It sucks, but it happens. I find myself saying "I'm out of shape" about 14 times a day to anyone who will at least feign interest, but, in the back of my head, I still think that I'm going to magically pull out a 5K PR or something. Which is just fucking idiotic. I'm just setting myself up for constant disappointment. So, admitting where I'm truly at and just finally accepting it, I think that I can do the things I need to do to move on. Including, but not limited to:

Stop being so whiny about it.
Stop using it as an excuse for everything.
Stop letting it keep me from enjoying running.
Stop feeling bad about myself because of it.
Stop being so frustrated about it.

So, my focus this week, is to disassociate myself from the runner I was this time last year, and starting owning who I am and where I am RIGHT NOW.

Me on October 27, 2014.

In all my out of shape, flabby, slow glory. 

Unfortunately just SAYING that I'm going to own it, doesn't mean it just automatically happens, but I'm going to really work on it this week. 

Here we go, bitches!

 

The Full Truth

Yeah. I'm not in good enough shape to be training at the paces for a PR attempt at the 10 miler. That is a HARD sentence to write.

Last week, I was supposed to do a workout of 200s, 400s, and 800s. The suggested paces by Coach (who, doesn't know what kind of shape I'm in, either) were what one would be running to run a sub 1:19 10 miler. I was pretty terrified by those paces and not in a good, challenging way.

 The KoB is like... YAYY!

and I'm all... get me the fuck off this thing.

There are HARD workouts that push you and teach you to be hard and fast and all that fun stuff and then there are HARD workouts that you can't actually do without dying. To be fair, Coach's paces were always "suggestions." But, to go from years of training with her and always being able to hit my paces FASTER than I was supposed, not even being able to hit them at all, has been pretty fucking tragic.

And if I'm totally honest with myself right now... I'm teetering on the edge of a mental funk (running aside). So, to feel like a failure at running, isn't really helping.

 Gotta get up and keep going...

The KoB suggested that we try the 200s at a slightly slower pace and see how they went. We ended up just doing the 200s (8 of them) and came up with a plan to try and make October the month of the turnaround. I'm going to focus on doing tempo runs around 8:30 and probably some track work that mimics that type of fitness level. Until that all starts to feel too easy and then I'll crank it up.

I emailed Coach and of course she was supportive and awesome because she's not only my Coach, but one of my favorite friends and because... well.. that's just how bitches roll. And, let's be honest... I've put her in an unfair situation here because neither of us know what kind of shape I'm in OR how long it will take me to start gaining fitness. When I gave her a deadline of... early November. It's kind of like.. I can't exactly be pussyfooting around in my training.  Plus... we've gone from her having to tell me to NOT run all the miles to now having to nudge and be like... uhhh.. maybe you should try to hit 35 miles this week.

Oh, I can't use eating popcorn on the couch

as cross-training? Fuck.

All this to say... I'm not going to be documenting training for a 10 mile PR. (You probably saw that coming, anyway). Instead, I'm just going to go back to how I used to blog back in the day, when I wasn't really "training" but just running and yes, I'm going to be running tempo miles, because I do WANT to improve and get back to being in shape.

And I apologize to all 7 of you who read this blog. I know it gets old to continue to go from... HEY I'M TRAINING AND AWESOME to JK, OUTTA SHAPE AND HATE RUNNING to OMG, I'M TRAINING AGAIN, etc. Sometimes running isn't just about running and as a thank you for sticking with me, I offer this totes adorbs puppy gif:

Running: The Hobby

I am having a hard time getting back into running. Of course, I expected some of that. Running sucks when it's hard. But just because I expected it, doesn't mean it makes it any easier.

This morning while running, I started thinking about why I run. I've done many, many posts on that topic, so, I'll spare you another. But the two biggest things are that running makes me feel good about myself and I think the physical exercise keeps the black dog at bay. Running is not just my exercise of choice, but for the last few years, it's been a big part of my identity, as well. At it's core, running is my escape from the humdrums of life and my biggest hobby.

Now that I'm in my 30s, I find myself comparing to myself to my parents a lot. Every day, I look more and more like my mom.

 

 My mom's in the pink.

My aunt's in the white.

Yes, they are wearing matching rompers, but in different colors.

Yes, you could do that in the 80s.

I will never be as hot as my mom was, however.

She's had 3 kids in this pic and I've had ZERO and my 

body will never look this good. 

 And every day I find my personality becoming more and more like my dad. When I was growing up, my dad was a hobby enthusiast. He was a member of a Spelunking Club and a Spoonplugging Club (also known as a fishing club). And he took us out camping and on the lake a LOT.

Spelunking Club.

My dad is second from the left.

He's always been interested in cars and when my brothers got older and interested in them, too. They spent MANY hours every week together working on old cars.

And now you know where I get my body from.

Stumpy legs and long torso. Thanks, Dad!

To get all therapist-y on my dad, I think a big part of him keeping busy and having lots of different hobbies and interests is for a couple of main reasons. One, he was drafted in the Army as a young man, and I think having 2 years of your life taken away from you to serve your country would put anyone's spare time into perspective.

Stationed in Alaska.

And two, he was the sole provider for my family and worked long and hard hours at a desk. He definitely worked/still works more and harder than I do, but, I too feel the need to do something with my life when I'm not at work.

Back in the day, visiting dad at the office on a Saturday.

Please note, he has a pic of me on the credenza behind him.

All the gratuitous photos and stories of my family to say... I've realized that running is pretty much my only hobby. I mean, sure, I do other things... I read and watch television and I enjoy cooking and yoga. I would love to hike and camp more often than I do now. And while travel is probably the thing I love most, it's not something that I can do every week/weekend (see: why I don't hike and camp as much as I would like to).  So, the fact that running has become such a chore for me, is kind of slowly sucking away at my soul.

Ahhhh the good ole days.

When my main hobbies included clomping around in adult shoes...

 

And hosting my dolls and imaginary friends

for tea parties.

When the hobby that makes you the happiest and feel the best about yourself, suddenly turns into dogshit, it's hard to get back on track. And it starts affecting your daily life.

All this navel-gazing to say... I think my mental focus on running right now needs to shift into a different direction. I'm going to try not to worry too much about GETTING BACK INTO SHAPE IMMEDIATELY. But, into trying to find enjoyment in running again. Getting back into shape and mileage and speed will all eventually come back.

I feel like I've written these sentiments in MANY posts over the course of the past year or so. And I know, it's boring. But it's something I'm really struggling with. It's not as easy as.... just run when you want! Because, honestly... I'd barely be running if that were the case. And whether I like it or not... I NEED TO RUN. I like who I am when I'm running a lot: I feel better, I sleep better, I work better, I'm a better partner and friend. But, I'm finding that maybe wrapping up so much of my identity into one hobby can be a dangerous game. I wonder if spelunkers have as many existential crises as I do?

I Get it and You're Right... But...

I realize that over the past couple of years, this blog has been essentially the same sick cycle over and over again (in gif format, of course!)

Pick a marathon and get excited.

(Coach and me on day one of training).

Start training for the marathon.

Get smacked upside the head by training 

and bitch and moan about it for about 12 weeks.

Run the marathon.

Get fucked by the marathon and 

and complain about how I can't

put a race day together.

START THE FUCKING THING ALL OVER AGAIN.
And as frustrating as it is for me, I know it's super frustrating and boring as a reader. I get it. I read a crap ton of blogs and half of those are written by people I want to shake and be like... what in the bloody hell are you doing, fuckwad??? The clear answer to all of this... is TAKE A GODDAMN BREAK FROM THE MARATHON.

And, I kinda have.... I have just been running around aimlessly for a couple of months now. But, the thing is... as much as I think that the marathon just isn't my distance "racing"-wise... I can't quit it. Am I scared of it? YES. Do I hate marathon race days? YES. Am I a stubborn idiot? YES YES YES.

So, while I can say... training for a marathon in the summer in Middle Tennessee is about the dumbest freaking thing someone can do... I can't say that I won't do it. Also, full disclosure... I think that the pressure of making a huge deal about a race... Weekly training reports on the blog! Telling all my friends what my race plans are! Announcing my goals! can cause me a lot of anxiety. Anxiety that I just don't need in addition to regular race anxiety.

All that to say... I'm probably going to start marathon training in a month or two and I'm probably going to keep pretty quiet about it. So, while I'll still do posts on whatever in the hell I'm up to and certain runs and workouts... there will be no... I'M RUNNING X RACE ON X DAY AND I'M TRAINING TO RUN A X:XX!!!!!! YAY!!! I'm just going to do the work and see what happens.

I agree with those of you who are like... just take an extended break from the marathon. But, unfortunately, I just don't think I can yet. In any case, hopefully I won't be super annoying/frustrating since I won't be droning on about a specific upcoming race. And I just wanted to let you all know that yes, I'm an idiot and yes, I'm going to be training. But, I'm not trying to be covert about it*, I'm just trying to minimize anxiety and pressure and I wanted to be upfront with you guys about it. Rest assured, when I get my BQ/PR in 10 years I will tell you everything about the training. I will definitely NOT be one of those bloggers that's all... tee hee, I signed up for a race and haven't been training, but somehow pulled a 3:19 out of my ass! Cool, right? No, I will immediately tell you about the PEDs I used and the workouts I did. Trust.

So, here's to a cranky summer! Any of you guys training during the summer?

*Mainly, I don't think I can write another "here's why I didn't run my goal" race report.

State of my Running

When I decided to quit BQ training in favor of my sanity back in early March, I felt really guilty about giving up a perfectly perfect block of training time just because I didn't feel like training. And now, a couple of days before the Pig, I still feel pretty guilty about it. I feel guilty that I wasted a few months and I feel weak because I couldn't push through the malaise and just get my ass out the door to train.

Sadly, this spring was a snooze train for 1.

Just me.

Should I even be running The Pig this weekend? Uh. Probably not. But, I'm basically just using it as a training run for the Grand Canyon. I also desperately want to be inspired to start training again. So, it would be nice to have a good day that inspires me to get back on the training wagon.

Possible scenarios for The Pig:

1. I get in the corral and see a pacer holding a 3:40 sign and think.... HMMM... Maybe I'll just try. And then I try. And after about 7 miles I start to continually slip behind until I'm completely toast and then hating myself around mile 18.

Probable finish time: 4:09 (If I'm lucky).

2. I get in the corral and start out slow and continue to run slow all the while telling myself... ohhhh you aren't trained for this race. You are just getting a training run in for the Grand Canyon. WHO CARES?

Probable finish time: 4:15

3. I start conservative. VERY conservative and then at mile 14 I start trying to whittle my way down to practice a negative split.

Probable finish time: 3:59

Obviously, my hope is for #3. It would be quite nice to run under 4 hours with a negative split. But, if hopes and dreams were candy and nuts, it would be Christmas year round. Or something like that? The truth of the matter is, I have NO idea what kind of shape I'm in fitness wise. So... this is going to be a real crapshoot. (But hopefully not literally).

State of the Union

I actually don't really consider myself all that stubborn. But, when it comes to running, I find myself very hesitant to CHANGE things. When I was a runner who didn't care about my time, it took me a LONG time to start caring. And now that I do care, it's taking me a long time to realize that maybe burnout is right around the corner.

Wednesday nights the KoB and I meet up for a run. It's one of my favorite runs of the week... because... well.. OBVIOUSLY. But, also because there is no way in hell that I would get out on a Wednesday night and run on my own. So, it's like bonus time and because it's right smack dab in the middle of the week, it usually turns into a therapy run. (I call it therapy, The KoB probably thinks of it as... obligatory listening to girlfriend bitch run). This week, I texted him and was like... Let's do my workout tonight and of course, he texted back... Sure! (I added the exclamation point).

We started the run and I was just not feeling the workout AT ALL. Despite that, we ran over to the track and I was like... okay, let's just run a lap on the track and see how I feel. We started the lap and I noticed how incredibly beautiful the view was of the Nashville Skyline from up there. Because it's winter you can see so much more and the time of night and the lights of the skyline... it was just so dang pretty. We ran off the track and up onto a hill to check it out even more. We then found a little path and jogged around it and ultimately I bailed on the workout. Normally, I would have felt a huge amount of guilt. But, I didn't feel any guilt at all. I felt relief.

So, in an effort to keep this from getting dramatic-y (It's just running for chrissakes!)... I'll stop there and just say I've decided to take a break from "training" and just stick to "running" for a little while. That while may be a month, six months, or hell it could even be 2 weeks. I'm still going to run the Pig and try to run it as well as I can on whatever fitness I have at the time. And I will still be running a lot (HELLO Grand Canyon trip in Mid-May), but I'm just going to relax on the set workouts and set mileages.

Coach has been nudging me in this direction for awhile. And I've been too deaf to really take it to heart. It's a scary prospect for me because I've been targeting Boston 2015 and if I putz around this spring, then I might only get one marathon shot before registration starts and holy shit, that's just a pressure packed nightmare situation waiting to happen.

Thankfully the Boston Marathon has been going on for 117 years so, I feel pretty good that there will in fact be Boston Marathons for years to come. And even if I did continue training right now is there a guarantee that I will get my BQ in May or before Registration opens?

Nope.

So.... yeah. There it is. I'm going to just run to run and see if I can't get my mojo back.

Up Next: Half Marathon Training

AGAIN! I know.

So, I've been thinking a lot about what kind of runner I am, what kind of runner I want to be, and what kind of runner I can be. I fully believe that you can't really go after your goals without some self-awareness of knowing who and where the fuck you are to begin with.

Stolen from: Poorly Drawn Lines

Here's a secret: I think the half marathon is my race distance. And, not just because I crushed one this spring, but because that distance has always gotten me the best race times. And of course, because I'm a self righteous, unsatisfied bitch... I'm not happy about it.

It bums me out. Like, who gives a shit about half marathons? It's not even considered a WHOLE race. It's called a HALF for chrissakes! (Don't even get me started on the "mini marathon" bullshit). Nobody goes around calling a 5K a half 10K. I mean, of course, I have to be good at the one race distance that is the ugly, shorter step-child of another race. Ugh.

As much as I'd like to be good at the hardcore distance of a Marathon or the speedy, glamorous distance of the 5K, I just haven't had the races to confirm that. So, for now, I'm going to accept the fact that the Half is my distance and kinda/sorta embrace it.

Now, this doesn't mean that I'm not going to continue to beat my head against the wall of the marathon and other race distances (hopefully with proper, legitimate training in the other distances, I'll eventually breakthrough). But, why not keep pushing at the distance that seems to suit me the best?

All this to say... my next goal race is The Santa Rosa Half Marathon in August. KoB and I and four of our most fun running friends are heading to wine country to run and drink wine and eat food and drink wine.

So, what's my goal for the race? That's where things get a little interesting. For my current PR, I worked my ass off for 4 months and I had Steve pace me. The likelihood of me getting a PR on my own on just 2 months of training seems pretty unlikely. But, what the hell? I'm going to give it a go. I'm excited to get back onto the serious training wagon and am willing to put in the work to see what I can do in two months time!

Training officially started Monday! Here we go again...

What's next?

Well, it's time. I took last week to revel in my awesomeness enjoy the fruits of my training. And I enjoyed it. I ran all easy miles (including some drunk/hungover miles that almost killed me on Sunday morning) and finally got over the 50 miles per week hump.

I am feeling good. Really good. I'm not getting out there and getting runs in because I should, or because it's what I do, or because I ate too many chips and salsa the night before... I'm running because I'm loving it. And it's not just the PR afterglow. I was feeling this way before the race. Basically, since day one of half marathon training.

So, since I'm still crazy in love with running right now... I'm going to keep going with this regimented training thing. I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe SOME things are possible for me. Maybe I don't have the history or the genes to be a FAST runner, but I think I can certainly get faster than I am now. And I'm really curious to see where it takes me.

Luckily, I've bribed my Coach and Pacer to continue helping me (booze and a thank you card will get you everywhere in life, I've learned). But, now, I just have to figure out what it is that I want and what I can do.

Long term... for this fall, I want to try and PR at the half distance (I know), but I really want to focus on the marathon distance. I'm not sure exactly what time goal I want for either of those races (or which races I'll do), but I don't really have to decide that right now.

The more pressing issue is WTF am I going to do this spring? I want to run a marathon. Just to see where I'm at and because I've got this great base of training already. I think I could spend the next couple of months bumping up my long run mileage a little and be fine to run a marathon in May. Which race? I'm not entirely sure. I've been thinking about the Flying Pig. I loved that race and it's a pretty easy drive up to Cincinnati. BUT, I've done it before... and it is pretty hilly. I'm not going to commit to a race just yet. I'm just going to focus on my training and see where I'm at in a month or so.

So here we go... more training madness.

Identity Crisis

Oh god.. this post just turned into a therapy session... proceed with caution.

So, I took some time last night to reflect on my post from yesterday. And I think I've pinpointed the REAL problem. And be forewarned... I drop some F bombs. Sorry, mom.

The thing is... I keep comparing myself to how I used to be... I used to run a shit ton more. I used to do crazy things like run two marathons in 2 days. And it was awesome! I loved spending the summer of 2009 getting up at 4:30 in the morning to get in miles. I loved logging 12 miles during the week BEFORE work. I did, I really did.

And... somehow.. that's who I became. I kinda became... crazy runner Amy, instead of just crazy Amy.

I'm going to be honest here and get a little more personal that I usually do on this blog... when I was running that much, I didn't really have much else going on in my life. And I was completely happy that way.. but I didn't really have a big social network here, I didn't have activities planned for nights during the week (that would keep me from going to bed at 9:00pm every night like I was then). Running at that time was therapeutic for me.. I had just given up dating (happily) and having something like running that took up a shit ton of time and made me feel like a strong, confident bitch and also exhausted me in the process was perfect for detoxing my mind and soul from years of pent up nervousness, anxiety, sadness, and just general craziness that years of dating had caused. Dating fucked me up and running cured me.

And, who knows if it was solely the running or what.. but... it happened. I finally rid my soul of all that fucking toxic waste and poison and filled in the holes that it left with unicorns, rainbows, and other awesome shit.

Yay for remedies!

So, now... I'm whole again... and I've made a lot of great, awesome friends here... and ummm.. I'm running less.

Part of me starts to freak out.. OH MY GOD... people aren't going to identify me as CRAZY RUNNER AMY. Who will I be now? The girl that USED to be kick ass and crazy, but now is just kinda like everyone else out there who occasionally runs a marathon for fun? The HAS BEEN, if you will???

But you know what? Fuck it. We all evolve.. running less makes me no less of a runner (whoa, I kinda just blew my own mind there)!!! Maybe it's a good thing that I'm not running as much as I did... maybe it just means I'm slightly more balanced emotionally than I was then. Oh my god, why must I try and justify these things... clearly, I'm still not completely on the bandwagon yet.. but I'll get here. hopefully.

Anyway... the point is... instead of resisting this slightly less dedicated and motivated towards running Amy, I'm going to embrace her. It's who I am now and I should be as happy about my running as I am about my life in general. Running isn't my life or who I am... it's merely a piece of me.

Identity crisis... averted?

Fuck yes! (Sorry, totally gratuitous)

State of the Union.

I wouldn't exactly call it a funk... It's more of the winter-time fed up with the freaking icy sidewalks, the bonechilling wind, and the fact that 90% of my mileage is logged in complete and utter darkness that is stealing my mojo.

It happens every year at this time. And I'm trying hard to remember that and to cut myself some slack right now. But, let's be honest folks... the sub 4:00 Marathon in less than two months? Um... Yeah, that ship has sailed for a warmer climate, no doubt. And it kinda feels like it packed up my motivation and took it on the trip as well.

This morning, after my morning run, after I had realized that the 3:59 marathon was a pipe dream this time around, I started to think about what my deal was. I spent so much time getting a training plan together, I was excited about incorporating new workouts to my daily runs. What happened? It's not solely the weather or the darkness.

And then I realized it... my heart isn't in it.

It is time to admit something to myself. Something that is hard for me to admit, because it's embarrassing and it makes me feel weak and like less of an athlete... But, I'm 31 for chrissakes... it's time to own up to who I am and stop trying to fit into a mold that I think I'm supposed to fit into.

The truth is... I honestly don't give a shit if I ever run a 3:59 marathon.

There, I said it.

I love to run. I really, really do. I love the freedom. I love being able to lace up my shoes and step out the door and feel the wind on my face and breathe fresh air deep into my lungs. I love the way it has made me appreciate my body and take care of my body like I never have before. I love running long distances and I've always loved training for a race. The motivation to log the miles has never been an issue. Running is what I do. It's a part of who I am. And it always will be.

The issue is the fact that running is also a sport. It's a competition. And with that comes expectations.

I'm not a competitive person. I grew up playing golf and tennis and I enjoyed them a LOT. I loved being outside, I loved interacting with kids that didn't go to my school. It was great... until I turned 12 or so. I can remember being in the car on the way to a golf match and praying for a round of violent thunderstorms to sweep through. This would happen every week. Seriously. I had such anxiety over matches. It's the reason I quit playing tennis... At some point... you're expected to move on from lessons and camps and workshops to competitions. And I did that in tennis. For one match. And then I quit. I never really understood the concept. I mean... I don't give a shit if I can beat you or not. Honestly, sometimes I feel kinda bad when I beat people (mainly because, heh, I am NOT good). What does your game have to do with mine?? I'm out there doing the best I can and it's supposed to be fun, right? I stuck it out with golf. Thinking that it was good for me to be pushed out of my comfort zone. Plus, some of the guys on the golf team were WAY hot. (And now... that there's no competition involved, I absolutely LOVE golf! of course!).

And it sucks. It really, really sucks to not be competitive. Because everything is about winning. And if you don't care about winning, then you must not be passionate about it. Right? That's what everyone tells us to believe. If you aren't trying to win, trying to do your absolute best, then something is wrong with you. I mean, that's just Unamerican!

And now... five years after becoming a runner, I realize, I've fallen into the same damn trap again. Running can't be just about getting out there and feeling alive, doing something good for your body, and enjoying something that you love... Noooooooooo. It has to be about running farther and faster and making it to Boston and placing in your age group.

So, every time I sign up for a marathon... I feel like, okay... I have to have a goal. I have to PR, I have to do this or that. But, to be honest, it's not because I WANT to do that. I'll be just as happy running a 5:30 marathon as I would be a 3:59. And I honestly mean that. I just feel all this outside pressure from society that I'm supposed to be constantly seeking some kind of time improvement with each race.

W.T.F? When have I ever cared what the hell society expects of me? So, why now??? Why with running??  Where was that kool-aid and when the hell did I take such a big ass gulp of it??? How did I get so wrapped up in all this bullshit? It causes me to not enjoy certain races, it causes me to be uptight and put too much pressure on myself, and it causes me to procrastinate in my training (um. like every training cycle)... to give myself an excuse when I don't reach the goal.

And of course... now I realize why I love the idea of ultra marathons... No one gives a shit how fast you ran 32 miles.

It all makes sense.

So, from now on... I'm going to try to be true to myself and stop worrying about how fast I run. Because, for me, that's not what keeps me hitting the pavement day after day. I wish it was. I wish I was one of those people that has a natural drive to excel at everything that I do. But, thats not me. I'm just a runner who is passionate about getting out there, clearing my head, getting to know people and my environment, soaking up the sun, and getting my heart pumping. I love running races because I love the energy of a group of people who are all passionate about the same thing. Not because I want to PR.

There. I've admitted it to myself and now to all of you and I actually feel good about it. Sure, it's still a bit embarrassing that I don't have the competitive spirit that athletes have... but, at the very least I'm no longer trying to make myself into someone that I'm not.

My name is Amy and I'm still a runner. Even if I don't ever PR in another race, or even if I do... I am not going to judge myself against a clock again, for good or bad.