Race Report: Des Moines Marathon

So, despite the fact that I was severely undertrained, ended up with horrible stomach cramps from the middle of the race onward, and had my worst finish time ever for a marathon, I feel like I can still report on the race itself. Unbiased? I'll try.

Expo/Registration Cost/Value: So, I registered late, and paid the max fee. But, even that fee was still comparable to BIG races regular fees. It was around $120/$125. The expo was perfect. Big enough to purchase last minute items that either don't travel well or that you forgot, but small enough to get in and out of in a hurry, if you like. We received a long-sleeve half zip performance top that was gender sized. Also received a Huma gel in the bag, which was a nice little bonus. Overall, the expo was great and I feel like the registration cost was definitely in line with other races.

Course: The first half was really hilly. The last half was pretty flat, with the exception of a massive hill around mile 24. Thanks Des Moines! I found myself thinking multiple times during the first 13 miles or so... why the hell are there so many hills? This is IOWA, for chrissakes.

One major plus to the course, though, is that the half marathon split from the full around mile 2 or 3. Which, I LOVED.

Highlight of the course: Around mile 8, you actually run onto the Drake University track and run a lap on it. It was very cool.

Around miles 9ish-13ish (it might have been later than this, I'm a little foggy on the exact miles), the course ran through a park. Which, you think... oh, that's nice. But, it was so humid out, there was a lot of mud along the path and wet puddles and everyone ended up with muddy calves and you are just kind of getting to the point in the race, where, the littlest annoyances turn into big fucking deals, so, yeah, I didn't like that. It wasn't just me... that was a general complaint with the other marathoners in our group.

Miles 20-26 were some of the weirdest miles. You start making your way back into Des Moines and so, your legs start thinking... Yesssssss almost done. But then your brain is like... easy, there, we still have to get in 6 more miles somehow. We ran past my hotel at mile 20. LITERALLY RAN PAST IT. I stopped in a porta john right after passing the hotel and was like, as soon as I get out of here, I'm taking off my bib and walking back the hotel. Somehow... I didn't do that, but I wished I had for the next 5.5 miles.

Those miles are the worst of the race. You do an out and back loop, you wind through some neighborhoods, you are just teasingly close to the finish that it annoys you. And then, THEN, you have to climb up what appears to be Mt. Whitney around mile 24.

This picture doesn't do it justice. This is like halfway up the hill.

Ugh.

And as I'm reviewing this before posting, I'm not entirely sure this is actually the 

Des Moines Statehouse, because the Des Moines Statehouse had a gold dome. 

Fuck it, you get the idea.

The Start and Finish lines are downtown, which is convenient. I can't really speak of the finish line festivities, because, by the time my weak ass finished, they were tearing everything down.

Support: Hands down the most well supported marathon I've ever done. They have tons of bike support, I never went a mile without seeing one. They were amazing. One of them gave me flat coke, one of them gave me 3 tums (which ended up screwing me up, in hindsight). Very well supported race.

General: A destination race? Nah. But, if you live in the area or need the state, it's a great race. Des Moines was a really fun town and the race was well managed.

My issues: I fully expected to have to run/jog the last 10 miles of the race. I did not expect to be in a state where I could barely even walk. I had the worst stomach cramps. I think, since it was humid at the start of the race, that I overcompensated at the first few water stops and ended up just getting water logged and a sour stomach. The tums didn't help the pain, but I do think, they kept me from being able to throw up (which is what I needed to feel better). I could barely even stand upright. All I wanted to do was lie down on the side of the road in the fetal position, my stomach hurt so bad. I stopped at every porta john after mile 17. I was absolutely miserable. I've never been so miserable at a race before. 

FINALLY at mile 25.5 I threw up. And I felt like an entirely new person. I was able to start running and ran pretty well to the finish. I feel kind of bad, because all the walkers who passed me the last few miles, I blew past them with a smile in that last half mile while running. But, HEY, I finally felt better!!!! And my legs felt absolutely fine.

At the end of the race, I was actually thrilled. I felt like if I could last through that much discomfort for that long, that I could honestly do anything. Apparently, I'm pretty tough. One of these days, I'd like to finally prove that I'm tough when it comes to pain of pushing hard, and not just the pain of my stomach revolting on me. ONE DAY. (2017 is going to be a good running year).

Anyway, that was Des Moines. SO FREAKING HAPPY that I actually finished and can cross Iowa off the list now. 15 states down!

Race Report: Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon

In the beginning. It was good.

First things first, this marathon was hands down the exceptionally inspiring and emotional. To take something so tragic and awful as the bombing of a federal building that killed 168 men, women, and children and create a marathon that funds memorial charities and simultaneously honors those killed and celebrates a broken city's resiliency is amazing. 

The race starts at the Memorial (which is an absolutely beautiful and touching and incredibly sad memorial). They do a 168 second moment of silence before the race in honor of all those who died that day. And all along the race course, there are 168 banners, each one with a name of one of the victims.

This marathon was different. It felt special in a way that even the Memphis St. Jude Marathon (the only other race that I've ran that tugged at my heart strings) didn't. Maybe it's because I was 15 when the bombing happened and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why anyone would do such a thing. At 36, I still wonder that, though, sadly, I'm not as shocked as I used to be.

All this to say not so eloquently this marathon meant something. And I love the idea of memorializing a tragedy with something physical. Well done, OKC. 

Now onto the report.

Everything logistically about this race was a breeze. We flew into Will Rogers airport, hopped in a cab, went to our hotel in Bricktown. And from then on were able to walk everywhere. The expo was close by, easy to navigate. The start line was about 3/4 of a mile away. And our hotel in Bricktown was REALLY close to restaurants (though, not gas stations, drugstores, or a convenience store that was open on Sunday).

The race was enormous. There were 24,000 people running either the half, the full, or the relay. The start was pretty congested, but thankfully, most people lined up where they should have been pace-wise, so, the race moved along fairly well in the first couple of miles.

It was a quiet and non-social race. I didn't mind, but I did think it was odd. Generally, I find myself talking to people whether I want to or not, but that wasn't the case during this race. I did get hit in the shoulder with an empty water bottle around mile 3 which really pissed me off. Someone on one side of the road, tried to dispose of their bottle on the opposite of the road, by thinking they could throw it safely across. It didn't make it, but it did scare the hell out of me when I felt it hit my shoulder. HAVE SOME MANNERS PEOPLE, hold onto it until you can toss it to the side. Ugh. 

Pace-wise, I felt great. Usually by mile 7 or so, I can tell what kind of day it's going to be. And by mile 7, I felt like I was most likely going to be able to stay fairly on pace. The first half of the course was much hillier than I expected it, but, that's not to say it was hilly. I was just expecting pancake flat. It was not pancake flat. A lot of their roads were also concrete, which was really my only beef with the race. I'm not sure if that's just how roads are in Oklahoma, but I definitely felt some tweakiness in my joints at times that I attributed to the concrete.

I came through the half around 2:08. PERFECT. I was thrilled with that and felt like I had a good chance of being able to hang on. 

And then we ran over a bridge and a lake appeared. As soon as we turned to run alongside the lake I was immediately greeted with a 21 mph headwind. 

See the lake in the background?

I was like. Okay. This sucks, but I can get through it. The lake stretch is just windy. It can't be that long right? I'll just push through. It can't cost me that much time, right? And when I hit my mile split at mile 15, I was running a 10:40. Almost a full minute slower than my previous pace and damn, I felt like I was running harder. I didn't let it get to me, it's like... okay, whatever. I'll lose a couple of minutes, I'm not trying to qualify for Boston (ha!), I just want to have a good day, so, I'll focus on conserving energy through here and then when we turn away from the wind, I can resume MY race.

HA. If only it were that easy. Unfortunately, after that, the wind never stopped. Even as we pulled away from the lake, the wind was directly on us. Is that why I felt so good the first half? Because I had a tailwind? Could be. I never feel the tailwind when it's there. But, the headwind was a total killer. 

After 6 miles of the headwind and consistently running 10:45-11:15 that felt like it should have been 9:30 pace, I mentally started to break down a little. I walked a little. I was pissed that my body actually felt really good, but that my pace was just not reflecting that because of the wind. The wind would occasionally break for a couple of minutes, but when that happened, you realized how hot it was outside. So, it was almost like... I preferred the wind. Because it was keeping me cool.

I was really taking the effort to keep my body temperature down. Nothing kills a race for me like heat exhaustion and I didn't want a repeat of Chicago Marathon 2011. After mile 11, I started dumping water on my head at every water stop. I also drank water and gatorade at every single water stop (even the very first one). And I think because of all that (and the wind), I was able to keep it mostly together in the hot sun.

By mile 23, I got over my pity party and decided to just push through the wind and get the race done (even though I was running 13:00 miles. RUNNING. Not running/walking. RUNNING). At mile 25, the 4:45 pace group rolled up on me and I got a burst of energy and ended up pushing as hard as I could for the last 1.2 miles. 

Downhill finish FTW

I finished the race 4:46:49. Not what I was hoping for, but, let's be honest.... I had done the minimal amount of training. I needed PERFECT race conditions to be able to hit my goal. And that's just not going to happen in a Spring race.

So, that was my race experience.

Now for the nuts and bolts of Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon... 

The course was... meh. It wasn't particularly striking or beautiful or ugly. It just was.

The spectators were AMAZING. The city really gets out and supports the race and that was really fun.

The volunteers were AWESOME. 

The water stops were PERFECT and PLENTIFUL. I was nervous that there would be too long of gaps between water stops, but they were perfectly laid out. On the marathon course, towards the end, they even split the water stops up, so that you'd go through one and get your water and gatorade and then about 400 meters down the road, there would be ANOTHER one. Doubling up like that made a huge difference for me, I think. I could take small sips at each and stay hydrated without getting that sloshy water belly feeling. A+++++++++++ on the water stops.

Swag was good. You got a shirt (the same shirt no matter the distance) at the expo, and then when you finished you got a shirt that was race specific. (As long as you KNEW you were getting another shirt and saw the signage and went over and got one after the race, like I did. The KoB missed all that, apparently).

Overall, I recommend the race. Not for its beauty or even the course. But, for it's purpose and it was really well managed.

Oklahoma DONE.

Race Report: Tom King Half Marathon

I think I will look back on this race as the race that turned the tide for me. This was the race that proved to me, maybe I'm not destined to be slow, out of shape, and fat forever.

There is hope and a maybe a light at the end of the tunnel!

Now, let's not get crazy, I didn't bust out a PR or anything (yeah, I'm not quite to THAT shape just yet). But, I ran a 1:55:28. And... ummm... breaking 2 hours for me right now is HUGE. I mean, HUGE.

Steve came out to run the first 10.5 miles of the race with me and I had assumed I'd run something in the range of 9:15-9:30 pace (If I was lucky). But, we started around 8:30s and towards the end, I slipped off a little (9:11s were my last two miles). In my wildest dreams, I had no idea that I'd get anywhere near 8:49 pace for 13 miles. THANK YOU, STEVE!

And yeah, the pace felt like "racing" pace. But, it didn't feel like AWFUL racing pace.

This has been a HUGE confidence booster for me. I am now properly motivated to continue on the path and get fit and back to racing shape... no matter how long that takes me. It should also be noted that I ran this 1:55 while being about 15-20 pounds heavier than my PR of 1:44. So... yeah, there is that. BUT, (and yes, you've heard it here a lot, folks...) I have mapped out some serious diet changes and have started down that path of goodness, as well.

THINGS ARE HAPPENING, PEOPLE. And all it took was 1:55 Half Marathon.

Race Report: Dry Creek Trail Half Marathon

So, after the last half marathon I ran a couple of weeks ago, I vowed to go into this one as a FUN RUN. 

It had a couple of things going for it, number one... it was a "trail" race. So, for someone like me, who sucks on trails, you have an automatic excuse for a poor performance. I say "Trail" because, a lot of the trails were actually jeep roads. So, while, yeah, running on gravel is tougher than running on asphalt, it's not like it was the Barkley Marathons out there or anything.

Easier than a raccoon riding a tricycle.

The other thing it had going for it in the lackluster performance excuse bin was that it had one really big hill. Except, the hill wasn't THAT bad and with walking up most of the damn thing, my pace that mile was still under 15:00 so... again... this is no Hardrock.

So, with my excuses ready and my expectations low, I lined up at the start. I must admit, I actually loved the first 7 miles of the race, there were some actual trails during that part and a couple of creek crossings and for the most part it felt like a fun trail race. 

The remaining 6 were all on the aforementioned jeep trails and the only thing that really kept my lazy ass going at a respectable pace, was the fear of The KoB seeing me walking (he ran the Full. Dumb Ass). Coincidentally, when we would have passed each other, The KoB was somewhere off in the woods unloading. ALL THAT RUNNING FOR NO GOOD REASON. No, really, it was good. I need to be running, for fuck's sake.

*** and now suddenly, my blog formatting has gone apeshit. I apologize.

And then, for the last couple of miles, Melissa Bitch, ran back to run with me. Which helped keep my honest as well. I must admit, in the last 200 meters, there was a girl in front of me and Melissa was like, okay, let's pass that bitch ahead of us. And I said... Nah. I'm good. 

So very un-bitchlike of me.

I finished the race in like 2:24. Which, I was pretty damn happy with and I've realized that I need to lighten up on myself some. I am so angry and feel so defeated that getting back into shape is taking so goddamn long. But, honestly, I need to just ease up a bit on myself and just enjoy the fact that I'm actually running 25-30 miles a week right now and with the exception of my long runs that have been entirely too fast for my current fitness, which means they feel like dogshit I'm ENJOYING them. That is goal number one and it happens to be the one thing that I'm consistently having success in. So, I need to proud of that and keep at it and one day, the fitness will be back.

Race Report Stuff: All in all, I enjoyed this race. It did get started late and the last aid station in the half was out of water when I got to it (more water was on the way, I was told), and there was no water at the end of the race, except at an aid station that was set up there, which I felt very sheepish about taking water at, since I was DONE racing. The race shirt is adorable and gender specific, but apparently,  I am not a large women's gender specific size right now (and honestly, I'm not sure if I could ever fit into the shirt) so, it's just taunting me with it's cute design and soft fabric.

The course was well marked and it was kind of nice to have hard parts and then easy parts, too. Too many times, trail races are just all HARD and it's hard to get into a groove. All-in-all I would absolutely run this race again next year. And maybe next year, I'll run the full! (Fingers crossed that I'm back in shape by this time next year).

Race Report: Mississippi Blues Marathon

Once I finished The Monkey back in November, I knew I was good to go with knocking off some states again. Even if I had to hobbyjog or walk part of them. So, The KoB and I signed up for a marathon in Jackson, MS.

It was a 5 hour drive from Nashville and we scooted into Jackson and the marathon expo with about 5 minutes to spare (although, they did have extended packet pick-up hours that lasted till 9pm. GREATLY APPRECIATED).

I think that was a sign of things to come.

Saturday morning we woke up and it was raining. Hard. We drove into town and ended up getting to park RIGHT AT THE START LINE. I mean, seriously, it took us less than 20 seconds to walk to the start line. So, we were able to chill in the car until right at start time. That is a huge bonus particularly when it's raining outside.

By the time the starting gun went off, the rain has slacked off a lot and by a mile in, it wasn't raining anymore.

The race started and wound it's way out of downtown and through some seedier parts of town. After about a mile or so of this, I started thinking... GOOD FOR YOU, JACKSON!!!! I have been guilty in the past of making comments like.... "why can't they avoid the bad parts of town, etc?" And I decided in those first few miles that I need to stop being so obtuse about life and communities. We need to stop further marginalizing "bad parts of town" by just avoiding them and pretending they don't exist. Not only is that just making the problem worse... it's pulling the wool over our eyes. The poor/commercial/industrial/boarded up parts of town are just as much of a city as the beautiful/wealthy/tree lined boulevards.

I loved the fact that this marathon was embracing that and showcasing that their city has communities and areas that have fallen on hard times. 

And then after mile 7, we spent the next 19 miles running through some of the most affluent neighborhoods I've ever seen. So.... okay. I got a little too excited, too quick.

I would describe the race course as rolling. There weren't really too many long, steep climbs, but there were lots of gently rolling hills. I loved the elevation profile of the course.

The marathon and the half total were capped at 5,000 participates, so that kept the course spread out well enough, but there were also plenty of people always around, which I definitely appreciated.

I thoroughly enjoyed the race, the course, and most of all, the volunteers. The volunteers were spectacularly gracious and there was at least one smiling volunteer at every single road that intersected with the course. Even random neighborhood roads where it was VERY clear that the course didn't turn there, there was a volunteer. And when you thanked the volunteer, most of them said... "Thank YOU for running!" Like, seriously??? How amazing is that? It's like they were getting paid or something.

Even when it the rain started pouring (around mile 18 for me), the volunteers were still cheerful and gracious. JACKSON, YOU ROCK!

I ran straight through till mile 16, thinking... well, I'll at least get a good 16 mile training run out of it. From mile 17 onward, I played a game with myself that helped me mentally and physically finish the race with a smile on my face. The entire course was lined with orange cones. I made a couple of rules for myself:
1. If I was going to walk, I would only allow myself to walk the length of one cone to the next.
2. As soon as I got to the next cone, I had to start running again.
3. Before I could walk again, I had to run at least the distance of 2 cones. (Most of the time, I found myself running much more than that, but that was the bare minimum).

This ensured that I was still running double the amount that I was walking. It gave my mind something to focus on and I found myself even contemplating which cones to walk between (trying to run to the two that had the most distance between them).

 It was really coming down for miles 18-25 for me.

I finished the race in just over 5 hours and was thrilled with the whole experience. I highly recommend this race and could easily be convinced to go back there and run it again.

Swag: A long sleeve half zip top, a BB King CD, and a harmonica. Haha.

Mississippi: Another state crossed off the list! 

Race Report: Flying Monkey Marathon

Alternate Post Title: That time I ran a 5:22 marathon and came away with a boost of confidence.

I don't think I've ever been so afraid of a race. Oh wait, except the night before my first ultra where I stress-ate an entire bag of hershey kisses. And it wasn't because of the hills or the fact that I hadn't ran more than 14 miles in... Hell, I don't know when. It was because of my head. My head has been haunting me for way too long now.

Here we go. You've been warned.

 

I think it started when I quit at the Rim2Rim at the Grand Canyon last year. I know it was the right decision for me, and I don't regret it, but, damn... that decision fucked me up. I think it was the first time I've signed up for something (rhetorically speaking, obvs) and had to quit. Sure, I'd DNFed a marathon before and I ran a half instead of the full at The Flying Pig one year, but this was different. There are always other races and sometimes you just have a bad race day, but this felt like a huge personal failure. Like, this hit my ego and even worse, my spirit.

Plus, I didn't have anything else on the horizon. No other races to train for and pull me through my funk. Instead, I scaled way back on my running, got fat, and continued to sign up for races that I ended up not running.

So, even though I wasn't trained properly, even though my brain kept telling me that I couldn't do it, that I would be miserable, that I should just bail on the race... I showed up with a Bib on on that Sunday.

And you know what? It was GLORIOUS.

My signature "running with my eyes closed" pose is still around.

And that's Vandy Montana running next to me!

Vandy Montana flew in for the race and we ended up running most of the race together, catching up and having a good time. It helped to have someone there to keep me accountable on walk breaks. But, man, it was so fun. I forgot how much fun "jogging" a marathon in a beautiful setting is. 

I did get sick around mile 20 or so, and had to slow down more than I'd like the last few miles, until I threw up and felt better. But, to be fair, my legs were pretty tired at that point anyway, so, I'm not sure how much quicker I would have been without the upset stomach. 

I finished the race and was thrilled. I am finally a marathoner again. And for the first time in a LONG time instead of having the feeling of... "Ohhh... I should really run today," I now feel like... "Ohhh... I get to run today!" 

This smile was for realz.

Watch out world... here I come! Very slowly, these days, but, I'm still coming.  

If you are looking for an actual race report, I suggest one of the other race reports I've written for this race:

2013 Monkey: Spectating The KoB's Bad Ass Sub 2:50 Monkey Finish.

2012 Monkey: Spectating The KoB's Bad Ass Sub 3:00 Monkey Finish. (Also where I yelled GO MOTHER FUCKER With his mother standing right next to me, unbeknownst to me. Always a fun introduction).

2011 Monkey

2010 Monkey

2009 Monkey 

Thanks to Trent and all the volunteers for putting on such a great race every year.

Race Report: Mid Tenn Shootout 5K

This is the story of how you can be completely and utterly out of shape, yet, still have a blast at a 5K.

1. The enjoyment of knowing that you are supporting the race director who is one of your favorite people on earth.

The night following the race.

2. The prize money at this race is very good and even if you aren't in contention for overall awards (I never am, fast bitches be showing up), there was also cash for 50th, 100th, 150th runner. (Even though I didn't win any of those).

Or you could just be a bitch and take home $150 total.

Bitches.

3. Enjoy the beautiful day and the fact that you aren't DYING and want to PUKE every 3 seconds, because you aren't racing. Seriously... 5Ks are the worst, when you are racing.

My fitness level these days.

4. Since I wasn't dying or wanting to vomit constantly, I was able to cheer for everyone that passed by on the out and back route. Which, was actually REALLY fun.

Next time I should wear a costume and

dance my way through the 5K.

5. It's a good way to get a workout, when you aren't doing any workouts. Because you are too lazy, busy, out of shape. Pick your excuse.

 What I've been doing instead of work outs.

Anyway, last year I PRed at this race, so, obviously I had a fabulous time. This time I ran hard (for me) and wound up with a sub 27 minute 5K. Which, is pretty much the same pace as my Marathon PR pace. Bwhahahahhahahahhahah.

But, ya know... you can't be in shape ALL the time. Because then you wouldn't appreciate PRs when you do get them, right? 

It was a fabulous event and I'm excited to run the race again next year. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to attack my 5K PR in 2016?

Bell Ringer 25K Race Report

The race was held at Montgomery Bell State Park which is about 45 minutes from Nashville. The Park was offering a package deal for room and meals the night before the race and since the race started at 7am in the morning, the decision to stay there overnight was a no brainer. The KoB and I actually managed to escape work a smidge early and got to the park before it got dark.

We checked in, got our race packets, and then headed to the buffet for an early dinner. Now, I was fully prepared for there to be VERY little on the buffet for me to eat. Particularly since it was advertised as a Pasta Buffet and I try to steer clear of gluten before long runs/races. However, I was pleasantly surprised. They had a really well stocked salad bar and delicious baked potatoes. They even had a veggie lasagna dish that was low on the pasta and high on the cheese. Since it wasn't a goal race, and I cheated and had a little bit of it. No regrets. And the best part of all.... SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM MACHINE!

This is what I do to Soft Serve Machines.

So, yeah, the food was great. The rooms? Ehhhhh... You know when you are watching an episode of Dateline and they show the motel that the "innocent" husband stops at as he was fleeing going out of town for an "impromptu" trip? Yeah, that's what the room looked like. Except it did have a great view of a lake. And it was clean. 

It was worth staying in a 1974 decorated motel room to be able to just leave 15 minutes before the race started and head to the start line, though.

My friend Liz had signed up for the race as well and so we found each other beforehand and started the race together. The race started with a long stretch on the road, which I always welcome, as it gives people a chance to get warmed up and fall naturally into their paces (after their initial take off too fast pace). After the road, the trail was still pretty wide, so it made for a really nice first few miles of the course. 

When we finally did hit the single track trails, the first thing I noticed was how nice the trails were and it dawned on me that they had actually taken the time to blow the leaves off the trail. It was amazing!!!! 

Liz and I stuck together and ran and chatted non-stop for the first 11 or so miles. (My apologies to anyone around us who had to hear us blathering on and on about radon and family Christmas plans). We were having a blast. The trails were pretty easy and we took our time and when we hit the aid station around mile 9, I couldn't believe that we had ran that far already! 

Me and Liz killing it.

And then a couple of miles later... the inevitable happened. I BONKED. And bonked hard. I started to feel it coming on and I ate a couple of fig newtons at the aid station, but at that point, it was probably too late. I started to slow down significantly. I got a little foggy headed, regretted not carrying a handheld or any food, and on one of the steep uphill hikes, my calves started to twinge like were wanting to cramp. 

I still managed to push myself and run as much as I could. But slowly. There were few people during this stretch (Liz smoked me around mile 10 or so) and it was a struggle to stay in the zone mentally and physically. 

 Yeah, it looked like this.

I finally finished and immediately ran back to my hotel room where I was just completely out of it for about 20 minutes. I tried to lay in bed (although I just could not get comfortable or concentrate on laying down) and I forced myself to eat a little popcorn and drink some water. I didn't take a shower, because I knew I didn't have the energy to blow dry my hair and there was no way I was going out in the 40 degree weather to spectate the 50K with wet hair. Eventually I started to feel a little bit better. I put on about 15 layers of clothes and headed back outside. 

When I finally recovered, I was actually pretty happy with my race. Sure, it wasn't pretty at the end, but I pushed and I never just gave up and decided to hike it in. I kept at it, and ran/shuffled whenever I could. I was also pretty encouraged by the fact that the finishing times were slower than I had thought they would be, so the trail was tougher than it felt. 

The KoB finished the 50K well and when I saw him come out of the woods, I KNEW he was 3rd male overall, so as I tried to run behind him to the finish line, I told him that and then someone else told me that I had forgotten a guy, so he wasn't. OOOPS. Sorry. (And according the results there were a couple of other guys in there. But there is no way I forgot 3 guys finishing. But it doesn't matter, anyway). 

A race pic of The KoB and the KoB's brother.

Overall, I loved the race. The aid stations could have had gels and the trails could have been marked a little better. Also, I could have done without the controversy of the park rangers giving runners lifts after they had gotten lost. But, it was the first year of the race and the fact that they blew the leaves off most of the trail was HUGE to me. 

I will definitely be back next year and I'll fuel better AND I'll run the 50K.

Race Report: East Nash Dash 4 Miler

Sometimes, peer pressure is a good thing.

Dear KoB,

 Get used to seeing this Red Vest, as I 

might not take it off till April 2015.

So, Melissa and Liz were running the race and Jeff and The KoB were coming out to run during the race. And since I have an extreme case of FOMO, I, OF COURSE, showed up as well.

At this point... racing on the weekend is a guaranteed tempo run and I pleasantly surprised myself with a DECENT (not fast) time for this race. Especially considering the course was fucked and the headwind. 

Somehow, I was able to nab 1st in my age group which got me a $25 Fandango giftcard. 

More impressive however... was the fact that Liz was the overall female winner!!!! (I guess, you could say, being 2 weeks out from her Ironman, she MIGHT be in half-way decent shape, huh?) And Melissa came in 2nd!!! (While I brought up the rear and was like 5th). 

Overall, it was fun and I was glad I got my ass out of bed and over to the East side for a run.

Race Report: Rock N Road Relay Marathon

Bitch Pose.

After placing the previous two years of the relay, The Run Bitches team was pretty goddamn cocky about making it a 3peat. We had amped ourselves up to go under 4 hours and I spent more time than I would like to admit stalking our competitors previous race times on Athlinks. Yahhhhh. I'm kinda sad and pathetic sometimes.

 

We also sprung to update our Bitches wardrobe with long sleeve tshirts that we could wear while warming up, cooling down, and for general bitch strutting. The shirts:

 The front (minus the box around bitches).

 The back (except in white with purple writing).

Are we fucking obnoxious or WHAT?????

Anyway, things went just fine... except, we didn't break 4 hours and uhhh... we didn't place. BUT, I take at least 75% of the blame for both... because, yeah... STILL NOT IN SHAPE YET. Le sigh.

But, despite the results, we had an absolute blast and we still all ran our asses off.

This is quite possibly the fastest I've ever looked.

Serious handoff.

Nevermind the fact that I dropped the fucking timing

thing about 10 yards later.

This is what happened between legs. 

Also, I dunno who that bitch is standing and SMILING 

for the camera. We don't know you.

Cheryl always gets the short end of the stick and has to run the 

LAST LEG of the race, which means starting running around

11:15. By that time, Coach and I 

have already drank 4 shots of whiskey and about

2 pounds of popcorn.

SORRY CHERYL.

 But, at least she gets to crank through the finish line.

While we are standing around after already hitting up the

food line AND the beer tent at the finish line. 

SORRY CHERYL.

Melissa obliterated my old leg.

Bitch.

Oh wait, we're on the same team. 

GOOD JOB, bitch.

Cheryl had ran through the finish line about 25 seconds

before this photo was taken.

And she had already taken a swig of whiskey.

Bitches rule.

As an added Bonus, The KoB ran with the first

3 of us during our whole legs. 

SORRY CHERYL.

 And the other SOB actually ran the whole race himself.

Show-off.

It was an absolutely gorgeous fall day and even though the bitches left empty handed, it was still a blast and a highlight of the fall racing calendar. I think we have all decided to make this a goal race next year, so watch out, crackwhores... 2015 The Run Bitches are getting back onto that podium.

Race Report: Booby Bolt 5K

Nope, that's not The KoB in a pink skirt.

Nope. It just looks like him.

Here are my observations on this race, in no particular order.

• Is that really the way you spell Booby?

This is actually a booby.

Which makes sense now,

why there were penguins on the race shirts.

 

• Can I just say, that part of me rolls my eyes anytime I see the charities use the words TA-TAs or BOOBIES or BOOBY or whatever? I mean, I get it, it gets more publicity that way, but as an uptight feminist, it kinda makes me feel like we can't even separate a CANCER from sexualization. I know, I'm a fuddy duddy. I'm even kind of embarrassed that it bothers me, but I dunno... you don't see too many SAVE THE JUNK 5Ks or the DICK SHUFFLE 5K or whatever. Okay. I'm done now. I promise.
• Actually, I'm not. I'm also a little bothered at how these events basically become a spectacle. Like, it's almost a fucking party. I understand that for whatever reason getting to put on a bedazzled bra on top of your clothes and wearing a tutu brings more people out, which means more money and more awareness for your cause. I get that. What I don't get... is... WHY? Breast cancer itself isn't a big enough deal? 

 

I just don't get it.

• The course was awesome. Gently rolling hills the entire way. I treated it as a tempo run, because, well, I've never been in 5K racing shape in my entire life. But, as a tempo run, it felt pretty dang good. (Don't get me wrong, I did push it, hard, and still finished in an abysmally slow 25:26). 
• I won age group award because there were 5 other women in the entire race which consisted of my favorite age group award to date: a coffee mug filled with m&ms. YES. 
• It was a good day, for a truly terrific cause. Booby or no boobie. Sequins or not. Breast Cancer screening, awareness, and research are extremely important and I appreciate this race making the effort to volunteer for the cause.
• and I really appreciate the m&ms.

 

 

Race Report: Gay 5K

Bitch Brigade

It's a good day when all the bitches can get together for a great cause and school some bitches. Even if it felt like we were swimming instead of running. OMG the humidity!

We jogged around for our warm up (hahahahahahah. hahahahahahah. warm up. hahhahahahah), during which for reasons that I will choose to leave out so that I get more sympathy, Jeff SOB hit me so hard up-side the head that I swear to god I was concussed for the rest of the day (it was a joke slap that got away from him). I'm being a tad dramatic. But, it did end up being accidentally harder than he intended. And uh. It was pretty hard. I am a bitch though, so, instead of letting that get me down...  I just decided to that it would be the perfect excuse for my lackluster racing.

None of the bitches are in peak racing shape, so we ended up kind of all running together. We finished one right after the other (I was the last bitch) and it all felt so terribly hard for being around 8:20 pace. SERIOUSLY. It was 8:20 pace and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack and die. WTF? Oh wells.

Bitches were schooled though, as all 6 of us.. bitches and SOBs... placed in our age groups. And we got about a zillion comments on our shirts. Apparently, we have found the right demographic for wearing shirts that says BITCHES all over them. Finally!

Afterwards we attempted to get pictures. But we were all so sweaty and gross that no one really wanted to touch each other.

Bitches be sweaty.

After pictures, we celebrated with some watermelon jello shots. Jealous? And waited around for the award ceremony.

One guy was taking pictures with all the winners one by one...

Me and the dude. 

Looking stoned and/or concussed.

 

Cheryl and the dude.

And then Coach Bitch went up for her award and the guy was like... hey, wanna take a picture?? and she's all... SURE and pushes the dude aside...

Coach Bitch.

Although, take note, he's still smiling for the camera!

It was HILARIOUS.

Anyway, it was a fantastic day. Well, except for the running part.... that Suuuuuuuuucked.

Race Report: Flying Pig HALF Marathon

As you know by now, I bailed on the full marathon in order to just run the half. But, in case you're still interested in the story... here's the race report.

The drive up to Cincinnati was uneventful. We got into the madhouse that is Downtown Cincinnati on Saturday afternoon and someone in the parking lot gave us their parking voucher! Now, that's some good karma. I'm sure that dude had a helluva race on Sunday morning.

The expo for the Pig is BIG and the first couple of times I went, I was annoyed by all the people and the booths, but I guess the third time is the charm. Also... of note... I got to see this guy in person for the first time:

 Ryan Hall.

Also known as the tiniest man I've ever seen. 

Seriously. 

I'm just going to leave this photo from the movie,

Darby O'Gill and the Little People

right here.

Anyway, we collected our swag (slightly disappointed this year... the shirts are cut a little too generous and the bag was crap) and headed off to check into our hotel. We had a nice dinner at a local restaurant, the Greyhound Tavern and were in bed EARLY.

Here's the thing... Cincinnati is in the Eastern Time Zone. The race starts at 6:30. We set our alarm for 3:30am (we were leaving the hotel at 5 to make sure we were parked before the streets closed). That means we got up at what felt like 2:30am!! (Good practice for the Grand Canyon, I suppose). It was ridiculous and I am dizzy from just re-reading all that. Anyway, we got to the race with plenty of time. But, as usual... there were not enough porta johns. They started shooing everyone into corrals around 6:15, which is fine, because there are porta johns in each corral. BUT ONLY 2. WTF? Melissa and I stood around in line for over 5 minutes after our corral had already been let go and there were LOTS others behind us waiting. Oh well. I'd rather be relieved and start in the back. Maybe they should divvy up all the porta johns to go into the corrals. That way everyone is there early! I dunno. I've never organized a race, so, I'm probably better to just complain than offer up suggestions. 

I think they intentionally wrecked this photo to stay off the blog.

assholes.

I wanted to start the race around a 9:00 pace. Melissa decided to stick with me (she was signed up for the half). Our first mile was over 10:00. No big deal. We started cranking down and finally settled into a 9:00 pace. It was an overcast, comfortable morning. 

The spectators for this race are great. Except, I did almost chew a dog owner out around mile 2. He didn't have his dog on a short leash and the dog lunged out in front of Melissa, making her stumble around him. The owner yelled... "HAHA WATCH OUT." Ummm... excuse me? You watch your fucking dog, asshole. Maybe instead of tending to your beer, you should be tending to your adorable dog to make sure he doesn't trip a runner or get trampled by one.

It was shortly after that incident that we encountered a guy wearing these shorts:

 Don't be fooled, my friends.

It was all business in the front.

But the back was a crazy grey and white pattern.

Nice legz. 

Melissa and I remembered his bib number for the entire race so we could look it up. Sadly, it's not as funny in this picture as it was during the race. 

We cruised up the hills at miles 6-8 and like I said before... once I saw the 8 mile marker, I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. 18 more miles???? Are you kidding me??? I told Melissa that I might just run the half. She tried to convince me to continue on. But, I came up with all kinds of brilliant excuses... including this gem: "What if I get to mile 24 and sprain my ankle and then I can't do the Grand Canyon????" As soon as I said that, she was like... oh yeah... just do the half. Bwahahahahahahaha. Brilliant.

And then she said... "well we better pick it up. I'm not finishing over 2:00." BLARG. I was hoping to just lollygag to the finish. The half course is pretty different after the split, than the Full. There is a significant downhill stretch and all that pounding made my stomach start to grumble, so Melissa left me when I popped into a porta john at mile 10.

I finished just BARELY under 2 hours and was pretty happy with just running the half. I got a pretty terrible side stitch from the downhill and the stomach trouble and I was just kind ready to be done. We went back to the car to change and then headed back to the finish line to see the guys finish.

All-in-all, I think there might be some lingering demons from my DNF there in 2012. I probably won't go back to run the full there again. I LOVE the course and the city... but, I think 3 attempts and I'm done. I highly recommend the race though. It's Melissa's PR course (which is pretty amazing to think about as you're chugging up the hills early in the race) and the guys had pretty decent days on Sunday, too.

St. Louis Half Marathon Race Report

If you've been around these parts for awhile... then you might remember that I ran the St. Louis Marathon back in 2009. It was my PR for YEARS (like 4 years). Well, a few months ago, The KoB and Jeff mentioned that they were thinking about going to to St. Louis to knock Missouri off their states lists. DRATS! I've already got Missouri. But, at that time, I was still training to BQ in May at the Pig, so I thought it would be a good opportunity to try and PR at the half distance. Plus, I just didn't want them to go and have fun without me.  So, I easily convinced Melissa to go and do the Half and that's how we all ended up meeting in the lobby of the Drury Inn at 6:10am on Sunday morning to walk to the start line.

It was a cool, overcast day. Perfect conditions. We walked over to the start line and immediately hopped into the porta potty line. And waited. And waited. And waited. I had never waited in a porta john line that long before a race. By the time we were out, it was time to get into the corrals.

And this folks, is where I stop complaining. Yes, the expo shuttle situation was a clusterfuck and yes, there weren't enough  porta potties... but I can forgive all that because the rest of the race was very well done.

My goal for the race, was to run at least 10 miles at Marathon Pace (I might not be training to BQ, but I'm still hoping that maybe I can have a decent day at the Pig and thought this would make for a good workout). The race started and from the beginning, I felt easy and relaxed. The corral start worked perfectly. Sure, there were a lot of people, but most everyone was running the pace I was looking to run.

The course was hillier than I remembered, but they were the type of hills I like... long and gradual. I found myself speeding up on the hills, rather than slowing down.

Around mile 7, I started to feel an oh so familiar feeling in my tummy. I immediately started looking for a porta potty and didn't find one until just before mile 9. I jumped in, took care of business and hopped out in a little over a minute.

The rest of the run, I felt pretty good. The pace felt harder than I thought it should, but it felt doable. And the hills at the end. UGH.

I ended up finishing right around 1:50 and I was thrilled with that time. Even with the potty stop, I was able to run the pace that I was hoping to run.

Melissa found me (she finished before me, that bitch) and we made our way through the finish chute. TED DREWE'S ICE CREAM SANDWICHES = BEST POST RACE FOOD. Oh my god, it was sooooo good. We walked back to the hotel, changed clothes and headed back to the finish line to watch the guys finish.

The KoB had a really good workout and Jeff had a fantastic day!

Always classy.

Most importantly, see that ice cream sandwich in The KoB's hand?

Not the one where he is flicking the camera off. But the other hand.

We walked back to the hotel and got cleaned up to grab some food before heading home.