run, rest, eat, bitch, buy things, cross-train, blog, repeat.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Identity Crisis

Oh god.. this post just turned into a therapy session... proceed with caution.

So, I took some time last night to reflect on my post from yesterday. And I think I've pinpointed the REAL problem. And be forewarned... I drop some F bombs. Sorry, mom.

The thing is... I keep comparing myself to how I used to be... I used to run a shit ton more. I used to do crazy things like run two marathons in 2 days. And it was awesome! I loved spending the summer of 2009 getting up at 4:30 in the morning to get in miles. I loved logging 12 miles during the week BEFORE work. I did, I really did.

And... somehow.. that's who I became. I kinda became... crazy runner Amy, instead of just crazy Amy.

I'm going to be honest here and get a little more personal that I usually do on this blog... when I was running that much, I didn't really have much else going on in my life. And I was completely happy that way.. but I didn't really have a big social network here, I didn't have activities planned for nights during the week (that would keep me from going to bed at 9:00pm every night like I was then). Running at that time was therapeutic for me.. I had just given up dating (happily) and having something like running that took up a shit ton of time and made me feel like a strong, confident bitch and also exhausted me in the process was perfect for detoxing my mind and soul from years of pent up nervousness, anxiety, sadness, and just general craziness that years of dating had caused. Dating fucked me up and running cured me.

And, who knows if it was solely the running or what.. but... it happened. I finally rid my soul of all that fucking toxic waste and poison and filled in the holes that it left with unicorns, rainbows, and other awesome shit.

Yay for remedies!

So, now... I'm whole again... and I've made a lot of great, awesome friends here... and ummm.. I'm running less.

Part of me starts to freak out.. OH MY GOD... people aren't going to identify me as CRAZY RUNNER AMY. Who will I be now? The girl that USED to be kick ass and crazy, but now is just kinda like everyone else out there who occasionally runs a marathon for fun? The HAS BEEN, if you will???

But you know what? Fuck it. We all evolve.. running less makes me no less of a runner (whoa, I kinda just blew my own mind there)!!! Maybe it's a good thing that I'm not running as much as I did... maybe it just means I'm slightly more balanced emotionally than I was then. Oh my god, why must I try and justify these things... clearly, I'm still not completely on the bandwagon yet.. but I'll get here. hopefully.

Anyway... the point is... instead of resisting this slightly less dedicated and motivated towards running Amy, I'm going to embrace her. It's who I am now and I should be as happy about my running as I am about my life in general. Running isn't my life or who I am... it's merely a piece of me.

Identity crisis... averted?

Fuck yes! (Sorry, totally gratuitous)


Stephanie said...

It is totally 100% ok! and it will take you time to come to terms with that and by that time you might want to be running more again. but for right now try very hard to enjoy right now! enjoy life and let what will be, be...we all still love you!

JojaJogger said...

Welcome semi-crazy running Amy.

Carina said...

I love it! And just remember, even if you do the occasional marathon and you don't train like crazy but you still train, you'll probably still be crazy marathon runner Amy to most people!

Chris said...

Amen, sister!