Something is wrong. I'm getting my workouts done, I'm getting in my mileage and the long runs. But for the last couple of weeks, I've been pretty miserable. If I'm not running with someone or doing a track workout... I'm basically HATING my run. And this is not melodramatic Amy talking. This is REAL AMY. I am hating about 50% of my running. And when I say "hate," I don't mean I just dread the run and wish I could quit... no, I literally would rather walk across a tightrope suspended 100 feet in the air than start/complete my runs.
I was practically crying during my long run on Sunday. Not because it hurt or the pace was too hard, but because I'd rather be doing ANYTHING else than actually running. And then I started feeling guilty. Because, my body is handling training okay and I'm doing great on paper... but these long runs and the mid-week longish runs by myself are KILLING MY SOUL.
At first I blamed the rut on the terrible performance at that 15K a couple of weeks ago, and then I started blaming it on work stress, and now I'm starting to think that it's a mixture of fear and laziness. The laziness needs no further explanation, but the fear does. I think I might be subconsciously trying to sabotage myself. Like... I'm afraid that if I do all this training and do everything I'm supposed to... and that I have the perfect day for my marathon in December, I still won't hit that 3:34 and the only excuse I'll have is that I'm just not fast enough.
I want to hit that 3:34, because I am tired of chasing the marathon. I want to do other things with my winter/spring. But, I cannot take a serious break from the marathon until I get a REAL shot at it (where I'm trained and not shitting and/or puking my guts out on the course).
So, as much as I could say here on the blog and to everyone I know... ohh... I'm not gunning for a specific time in December, I'm just trying to PR or whatever... I'm not fooling anyone (myself included). I've only got 4 weeks left of hard training. I'm just going to put on my big girl pants and get through them. Whatever happens in December is what happens. If that rock rolls back down on me... I'll just start pushing it back up again. It's what we do, I guess.
ALSO, if ANYONE lives in Nashville and is willing to do long runs with me.. PLEASE LET ME KNOW.
The workouts:
Track: 4x1600 at 10K pace
Long: 18 miles about 30ish seconds over marathon pace
Bonus: 8 Trail Miles (race)
The track workout was the first one I've had so far where I felt like I was really challenged. It was tough. But, after that workout, I felt like I could do anything.
The long run was fine. Except for my head. MY HEAD IS WHACK.
The Trail Race Miles was a part of a Bitches Relay. So, obviously there will be a separate post all about that.
It's a new week. Time to get over myself.
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7 comments:
I'd totally volunteer if I were closer. I know where you are mentally re: the goal (and I'm confident you'll do it). I feel the same way -- I have this one magic time in my head, and I kind of feel like I don't want to do anything else until I get it. And I'm not getting younger. And I did have a legit crack at it last month. And I still missed it...
Yeah, I think if I miss it in December, I'll probably try again either in January or March (depends on how/why I missed the goal and how soon I can take another crack at it). BUT I WANT TO GET IT OVER WITH IN DECEMBER.
Are you getting right back at it with another race soon? Or taking some time to ease back after your trip, etc?
Next shot at it will be Houston. I'm running a half in Cali next weekend, and the full in San Antone but that is likely with friends. Totally just want to get the time, check the box, and move on. I don't have a good answer why I missed it -- just not strong enough I guess.
I totally understand. I think you can do it, but it sucks to feel like you're giving it your all AGAIN.
Carina: That's right! Houston! Well, I think traveling that far for a marathon and having a trip after it, etc... I'm sure that was more stressful than you think. Still, I'm totally jealous. Would love to do Berlin one day. You'll get it. You're training for Berlin was awesome... just keep trucking.
LAPT: Bitch! It's been forever since we've talked! How's things?
OMG You're training. So dumb.
Gah, I wish I could be there to come do even just a few miles of the long run with you! I miss Nashville running! I promise we're moving back eventually and then I'll get my butt in shape and run with you some. :)
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