run, rest, eat, bitch, buy things, cross-train, blog, repeat.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

In my Head

Now that training has started and I'm getting back into the flow of training and workouts and watching my diet, I'm feeling pretty confident. Sure, taking 20 minutes off your PR is a monufuckingmental goal to have, but I have faith in my ability to do the training and make time for the training, and I have faith in my Coach.

Obviously, even if my training goes spectacularly well, there are a number of things that could derail my race. That's the part of racing that is the most frustrating. You can't control everything on race day. And part of me is scared to be so open and vocal about this goal and this race. It's happened SO MANY FREAKING TIMES in the past that I've told people and/or my blog about my goals for a race and then when I've failed miserably... not only do I feel like absolute shit about it, because... HELLO FAILURE... but then I've got to TELL people about it and blog about it.

And to me, that's the scariest/worst part of racing. I can handle disappointing myself, but disappointing my friends and the people who believe in me and support me... I mean, that is the FUCKING WORST.

Running, seems like such an intimate, singular sport. Just you and the pavement and you never have to talk about it to anyone else, right? Well, I guess it could be that way, but that's pretty fucking boring for everyday. I am happy to have a boyfriend and best friends who run and even though I'm not on a team (although, I'd argue The Bitches are a team), my livelihood doesn't depend on my success in running (thank GOD), and 75% of the people I come into contact with on a regular basis can't tell you how long a 5K is, I am happily apart of a running and blogging community.

And I get it, the 25% of other people who do care are genuinely excited for me and want to see me do well. And just like anything in life, there are of course, a couple of assholes who are all... "OMG I'm soooo sorry, what happened????"  and secretly they are saying to themselves... "Whew. Still faster than her!" when I don't achieve my goals. Which... newflash bitches: it isn't hard to figure you out. 

Honestly, it sucks, but I can handle the whole... "I didn't have a good race day, basically because I sucked that day" conversation, that's not really the issue, I've become very accustomed to that. The issue is the crazy pressure that I put on myself on race day BECAUSE of those other people and their expectations. This is something that I am going to spend the next 15 weeks working on. This race is FOR ME. It isn't so that I can write some awesome blog post about an EPIC race day, it isn't so that I can beat so-and-so's PR, etc. It's for me. I want to be focused on what I have to do that day and not what everyone is expecting me to do. I'm not one of those people that has a chip on my shoulder and runs/races fueled by spite. I'm one of those dumbasses that runs well when the rainbows are shitting out cartoon hearts all over me.  And... how many times have you seen that happen during a race? 

Mental focus is going to be the hardest part of this training and if I can tackle it, I know it will probably be the most beneficial on race day. 
Am I crazy? Does anyone else put crushing pressure on themselves during races because of what other people are going to think? Uhhh... having a blog probably doesn't help. Ooops.


Carina said...

You're definitely not alone. We just had the first person from our training group race (Santa Rosa) and she blew it out of the water. I worry that many of my training buddies run with me but use less effort than me and are therefore faster, and I dread being the outlier in the final race results, the slow one, the one who had the wheels come off when it got tough, the one who made it a fun run, etc. If you find the secret to reminding yourself the race is for you, please share. I could use it!

Carina said...

Thanks for the birthday wishes! I tagged you in an award post for you to respond when you have time:
Some kind of generic questions, but would be interesting to see your responses. Happy training week!