run, rest, eat, bitch, buy things, cross-train, blog, repeat.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Funktown Population: 1

I'm over it. I swear to God, I am. Emotionally and physically... I'm over it. Right? I mean, I'm back to my happy, optimistic self. I don't get teary-eyed or even angry anymore when I think about that day. Honestly, I don't even really think about it. But, as much as it feels like I've moved on... my runs have been total shit lately.

The week after the race, my runs were all great. I was fueled by emotions... some days it was anger or frustration that fueled my run, other days it was sadness and disappointment. But whatever it was... I felt something and it felt good to burn through it on a run.

Enter last week. Last week was the week that reminded me why I stopped "training" for marathons and races in the first place. Because it really, really sucks to not meet your goal (or to not even fucking finish). And now I'm left with feeling nothing about my running. Any confidence that I had from weeks of training, from kick ass speed work, from killing my half marathon PR... has all kinda gone to shit. I'm back to thinking that the marathon isn't my distance and that I just can't race it. That DNF totally dicked me over. Thanks for crushing my dreams and my soul in one fell swoop, bowels!

I realize in the grand scheme of things, this isn't a big deal. It will pass. I'll have some spectacularly awesome run soon (PLEASE, GOD, LET IT BE SOON!) and my runs will start feeling better again. But, my head... that's going to take some serious un-fucking-up in the next few months.


Meredith said...

After the huge disappointment of not finishing IM twice, I suffered from major depression and seriously, a mental breakdown. I saw a shrink; I was put on pills; I was a mess. For years (heck, a lifetime), my life revolved around finishing the damn ironman. It wasn't until I took control of my life that things started to fall back into place. I took some time off, I made no big goals, I found fun in running with my friends and setting odd goals like run everyday in a month or doing 100 pushups. And now, my running is the best it's been in three years. I still have no goals and am having fun with running. I know it's cliche, but it will pass, Amy. Keeping you in my thoughts.

Carina said...

I know it's not right for most people, but I always plan a second 'fun' marathon to follow my goal race. And I will say that more than one year, after bonking at "goal", I've had to race my "fun run". That has generally carried my motivation, but you'll find whatever gets you back and you'll get out of funktown.