I'm over it. I swear to God, I am. Emotionally and physically... I'm over it. Right? I mean, I'm back to my happy, optimistic self. I don't get teary-eyed or even angry anymore when I think about that day. Honestly, I don't even really think about it. But, as much as it feels like I've moved on... my runs have been total shit lately.
The week after the race, my runs were all great. I was fueled by emotions... some days it was anger or frustration that fueled my run, other days it was sadness and disappointment. But whatever it was... I felt something and it felt good to burn through it on a run.
Enter last week. Last week was the week that reminded me why I stopped "training" for marathons and races in the first place. Because it really, really sucks to not meet your goal (or to not even fucking finish). And now I'm left with feeling nothing about my running. Any confidence that I had from weeks of training, from kick ass speed work, from killing my half marathon PR... has all kinda gone to shit. I'm back to thinking that the marathon isn't my distance and that I just can't race it. That DNF totally dicked me over. Thanks for crushing my dreams and my soul in one fell swoop, bowels!
I realize in the grand scheme of things, this isn't a big deal. It will pass. I'll have some spectacularly awesome run soon (PLEASE, GOD, LET IT BE SOON!) and my runs will start feeling better again. But, my head... that's going to take some serious un-fucking-up in the next few months.