run, rest, eat, bitch, buy things, cross-train, blog, repeat.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Well, shit. I actually do care what people think.

I used to run for fun and didn't give a shit about my time.

 It was bliss.

Then I ran to improve my times and gave all the shits about my time.

A fairly accurate representation.

Then I burned out and didn't give a shit about running.


Now I enjoy running again and don't give a shit about my time.

 Full circle.

But, it's almost like... you can't go home again, ya know? I've been running without a watch mostly and so, I just log my runs at 10 minute mile runs. Which, I'm fine with. But, in reality... some (or ya know, ALL) of those runs are probably slower than that. And, I'm still fine with that. I really don't care what my time is.

But, apparently, I do still care what other people think about my time. Because one of my biggest issues lately is I've signed up for some races and while I just want to run these as training runs and because my friends are running them. I still know that I will inevitably feel bad, when after the race, we are all standing around and someone asks me the...

How'd you do?

And I'll reply truthfully with a... oh, I just ran it as a training run.

And then I know they'll see my name in the results with a time that is probably like 30 minutes over my PR time and they'll think... MY GOD. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HER?

And I realize, OF COURSE no one else really cares that much about my time. I know they don't. And most people won't even notice my name with a 2:15 Half Time written next to it.

But, then again... OF COURSE people care. People who don't like me or people who think I'm slow or people who are competitive with me.


And then I think... well, what if I were coming off a physical injury... How would that scenario play out?

Hey, Amy, How'd you do?

Oh, ya know, I'm just getting back after a broken femur, so, I was just jogging the race.

And they'd be all.. Ohhhhhhh... GOOD FOR YOU! WOW! YOU ARE AWESOME!

But, I didn't have a broken femur. I had a broken spirit. And no one gives a shit about your broken spirit.

Buck up, buttercup. You can still run with a broken spirit.

So, yeah, it's going to suck for awhile. My ego is going to take a hit. HEY, DOES THAT INJURY COUNT????? But, it's a small price to pay to actually have the joy of running back in my life.

But man, I really, really wished I just didn't give a fuck what people thought.

1 comment:

Gracie said...

sucks to improve. I got faster, and suddenly everyone wanted to know about my time, and if I ran slower (bored, injured, fat, disinterested) EVERYONE wanted to know why. I want to go back to the old, just-for-fun days!